After Christopher was born, we decided to let God be the ultimate family planner for our family. We never knew that that conviction would not be an easy road to walk. Yet, one we wouldn't trade for anything. When you let God plan, the babies are supposed to come quickly, and your family would look something like the Duggars, right?? We learned quickly letting God plan looks different for each family. It took a long time for us to conceive Lily. After Lily the little boys came quickly thereafter. When Will was a year old, we conceived our 5th baby. Miscarriage was one of those things that happened to other people. Never even crossed my mind as a possibility. We learned shortly that we would not hold this baby this side of heaven.
The first miscarriage was one full of sadness and grief. It's a grief that only the mother can understand. I am not downplaying the father's grief as it is real and hard. But the mother endures the grueling physical process that takes such a emotional toll of one's heart and body. It's a cruel process. It's the hardship of labor without the reward of a precious infant. You feel you failed: you feel inadequate. You spend so many thoughts questioning what went wrong, what could you have done differently. Was it the fact you forgot you prenatals a few times? Was it the fact you didn't get enough sleep? Were you too stressed? Questions that lead to self blame. A dangerous path to walk down. Yet, I walked it.
Shortly after we conceived again. We soon discovered that yet again we wouldn't hold this baby either. This miscarriage lead to severe medical complications for me. A night in the ICU with BP so low they couldn't do the surgery to stop me from bleeding out. It was a nightmare. Grief didn't even factor because I feared for my life. By the time I recovered, I was numb. I found comfort in selling a lot of my baby items (swings, high chairs, etc.). I didn't want to be reminded of what I had lost. I questioned our convictions. I questioned everything.
Not long after we moved to NM, we found out we were expecting Johanna. I wasn't even excited. I didn't want to get my hopes up. We didn't tell the kids, and I distanced myself from the fact I was pregnant. We got past the first trimester, and I finally allowed my heart to fully love and accept the baby growing inside me. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl who changed our family forever. I often think if I had given up when I wanted to I wouldn't have this spunky little bundle of joy!!
Baby #8 made the presence known in June of this year. Gone were the fears of miscarriage. After all we had a healthy baby girl. We made it to week 12. Hopes were high for a healthy baby until an ultrasound proved otherwise. This miscarriage was different. This time I was angry. Grief was only secondary to anger. I didn't even question the "what ifs." I was done. I told John I was done having kids. I didn't want anymore. I didn't want to go through this anymore. It's too hard. I was DONE!!! Anger consumed me. But if you asked, I told you I was fine. The grief of miscarriage is just not readily shared. The fact that it endures long past the finality of it is often overlooked.
It's been eight weeks. God has healed my body and my heart. You see when you believe in life at conception, you have the amazing hope that miscarriage isn't the end. Babies lost in miscarriage are rejoicing with our Savior in heaven. They were NOT tissue. They were NOT discarded. They were not in vain. HOPE! Hope is what mothers of lost babies have. Hope that this isn't the end. Lord willing we will be blessed again with another healthy baby. But I know God is sovereign and I trust in that alone. Whether I never have another healthy baby or I get blessed with several more, GOD alone is the author of life and death.
What it comes down to is this ... the Lord gives and the Lord takes away .... BLESSED be the name of the Lord.
